This story pretty much made my week. Apparently Paris Hilton had surgery six years ago to lift her eyelids. The doctor must have been drunk or something that day because he fucked up and left Paris with a drooping left eyelid and damaged eye muscles. According to a "Beverly Hills source"--via the New York Post--Paris went to a plastic surgeon earlier this week wanting a fix. It gets better:

Hilton has made things worse by wearing blue- tinted contact lenses over her naturally brown irises. "They have been drying out lately," dished the tipster. "She is ignoring doctors' orders to not wear her tinted contacts.

I knew it! Paris’ eye has always looked a little fucked up to me. My imagination always chalked up to a little wayward semen, perhaps from a romantic tryst the night before. My rational side thinks my imagination is a little bitch. Yeah, those two sides of me seem to fight a lot. Luckily my imagination usually wins. And then it becomes pirate time! Arghhhh