Why can't Jessica Biel become addicted to crack so I can write about someone I actually want to bang? Anyways, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are in the news yet again:

Paris is dismissing reports that claim she has been sexually intimate with Britney, insisting that they are just "great friends." In addition to running pictures of Paris making out with MTV host Eglantine Zing, a British newspaper also made the claim that Hilton and Spears had some steamy lesbian sex during their November 19 trip to Las Vegas. This news comes on the heels of a claim Spears' first ex-husband made about her in a recent interview: "She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it."

Hilton's representative Elliot Mintz slams reports his client was intimate with Spears, saying, "That is just silly." Mintz adds, "They are friends, and you will continue to see them together. Paris thinks the world of her."

I'm so fucking sick of these girls right now. Every story I read about these two triggers this violent Pavlovian response within me. Seriously, I just started breaking things--picture the Incredible Hulk with harder abs and softer eyes. And a much greater appreciation for freshly cut flowers

Let's all hope Congress reinstates the draft on the off chance that the two get sent to Iraq. Paris would probably have a jihad declared against her within the first hour.