Lindsay Lohan and friends rang in Christmas at Lotus in New York's Meatpacking District. Even though her friends happily drank the night away--including reality TV star Brittny Gastineau--Lohan stuck to water:
Wearing a blue blazer and multicolored scarf, she declined multiple rounds of free alcohol sent to the table, says a spy. The girlie gaggle stayed until 3 a.m., when even Santa had finished his rounds. Lindsay then treated her pals to Christmas breakfast -bought off a hot-dog cart outside the club.
Now I've never been a huge believer in Christmas miracles--not after Santa failed to deliver a naked Jessica Alba under my tree for the second straight year---but Lindsay's actions the past few weeks have convinced me that miracles just may be possible. I mean, she's actually turning down multiple rounds of free drinks. That's like Rosie O'Donnell entering Costco and not immediately assaulting one of those old ladies that hands out the free samples of Hot Pockets. Or Rosie O'Donnell going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and not getting yelled at by the manager. Or even Rosie O'Donnell filling her bathtub up with something other than chocolate pudding. Anyways, you get it, Rosie O'Donnell is fat.
I totally didn't notice this when I posted those Jessica Biel bikini pics a few days ago, but I think she has some extra jewelry in her most private of places. Either that or she's like me and she gets REALLY excited playing paddle ball.
On a related note, these pictures have to be violating some sort of stalker law, right?
We finally have the reason why Britney and Paris haven't been seen together for weeks. According to a source close to the situation, Britney called Paris and told her that "she had decided not to be seen in public with her 'for now,'" adding that it's, "not personal." During her pantyless travails last month, Spears received heavy criticism from the media for partying while her kids were at home (presumably) sleeping in a puddle of their own tears. Us Weekly has more:
But beware a Hilton scorned. According to another source, the heiress, 25, didn't invite Spears to her December 18 Christmas party and now refers to her ex-pal as "Animal." Why? "Britney doesn't think about things before she does them. She just acts out," says the source.
So basically Paris broke up with Britney because she was acting like an captive orangutan that throws its own feces at tourists. Sounds a lot like my crazy ex-girlfriend--obviously I don't mean she wouldn't literally throw her feces at tourists...it was more of a gentle toss.
Oops, did I say Tara "makes me horny?" I meant to say she makes me want to drive a horn through my penis--preferably that of an endangered black rhino. Not exactly sure where I'll find one of those at this time of the year, what with the run on ivory that comes right before Hanukkah. Anyone know a good poacher? Call my cell.
Fox Sports babe Lisa Dergan
artha Stewart was having a little bit of trouble keeping her pants up the other night at the New York Cinema Society screening of "Dreamgirls." While in the elevator at the SoHo Grand theatre, Stewart confided to a friend:
"My pants keep coming undone! It's scandalous. I can't seem to keep the top button up." Her focus then headed south and Martha complimented her companion on her shoes. "What size are you?" asked Martha. "You should come over to my place sometime. We are talking thousands of shoes. I have thousands of shoes! It's crazy."
Is it just me or does this paragraph seem like it came out of an issue of Penthouse? The pants that "accidentally" keep coming undone, the invitation to come back to her place, Martha pushing the emergency stop button and going down on her friend (I cut that part out due to space constraints). I always knew Martha had a dirty side to her--have you seen how she cuts up a cucumber on her daytime show? I'm surprised the FCC hasn't blurred it out yet.
Aida Yespica at the Italian Motoshow
Splash News
Here's some pics of Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos spending the holidays in Hawaii. From the looks of it, Paris has taken time out of her busy acting schedule to grow another vagina on her thigh. What the rest of society calls gross, Paris calls convenient.
Just months after his untimely death, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is being immortalized--in the form of an action figure. The talking Steve Irwin figure, produced by Wild Republic Toys, will make its debut at February's International Toy Fair in New York City:
Retail price of the toy, which will spout some of Irwin's trademark phrases, will be $22. Wild Republic's Toy Fair booth will also feature appearances by Kate and Brian Coulter, members of Irwin's Wildlife Warriors Worldwide charity. His daughter, Bindi Irwin, 8, said in a statement: "We all know that Daddy had an important job. He was working to change the world so everyone would love wildlife like he did. Now it's our turn to help him."
I hope I'm eventually famous enough to have an action figure created in my likeness (but not so famous that rage-filled stingrays try to murder me). The closest thing I have now is this macaroni portrait my 7-year-old sister gave me for Christmas. Dammit, I told that bitch I wanted an iPod! Another Christmas ruined by crap I don't need.
*rips macaroni picture in half as sister cries in the corner*
American Idol winner Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo are dating. On Christmas Day, Underwood was seen hugging the Dallas QB before the start of the Cowboys-Eagles game. In an interview with a reporter for the Charleston, Il Times-Courier newspaper, Romo confirmed the rumors. Sports editor Brian Nielsen has the details:
"After I asked him all my usual football questions, I said, 'My wife really wants to know if the Jessica Simpson dating rumors are true.' He laughed and replied, 'No. Tell her I'm dating Carrie Underwood.'"
I knew Tony couldn't be dating Jessica Simpson. She's the type of girl who, once you're done having your fun with her, you drop off a few miles outside the city and hope she doesn't find her way back. On the other hand, Carrie Underwood is the type of woman you can take home to Mom--she's cute, has a great personality, and probably doesn't think Alex Trebek is the spawn of Satan. Some would call Carrie the perfect woman--of course I would disagree. That honor would go to the hollowed out watermelon I keep next to my bed. It doesn't talk back!
