David Banda, Madonna's one-year-old son from Malawi with the kickass superhero name, has been spotted wearing a red string Kabbalah bracelet. According to Kabbalah literature, the red string fends off "the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us." Regarding David's wearing the red string, one Kabbalah insider explained: "There's been so much evil eye sent in the direction of David and his mother that he needs this protection."

If you think a red bracelet helps fend off unfriendly stares, doesn't that technically make you insane? How is that any different from wearing a foil hat to keep the government from reading your thoughts? I know a piece of red string isn't exactly on the insanity level of building yourself a protective cocoon made of your own feces but it's still crazy. You don't get a free pass just because you've sold a few records and have a fake British accent. You can tell I'm a little bitter that the brown string bracelet didn't make me a tiger in the sack like the kabbalah salesman promised. THANKS LIAR