A small boy bearing a strong resemblance to Danny Devito was on The View earlier in the week acting like a drunken idiot. There’s video of it above but all he pretty much does is bash President Bush. Which might actually be interesting if the person doing the bashing was allowed to ride rollercoasters.
The owners of the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles are demanding that Michael Richards give $6 million dollars to charity to make amends for his racist outburst last week:
According to The Insider, The Laugh Factory owners, who have now banned the ‘N’ word from the venue, want Richards to pay $6 million to charity for the six derogatory words he used on their stage. Richards, who claims to be seeing a psychiatrist in an effort to control his rage problems, is hoping to meet with the two African-Americans he racially abused from The Laugh Factory stage.
The Laugh Factory owners didn’t really have to ban use of the ‘N’ word at their club. It’s an unspoken rule in American society not to use that word. It’s like the manager of a Starbucks warning you not to start a campfire inside of the store. Or the owner of a movie theatre posting signs all over the place that say Please No Laughing During This Adam Sandler Movie. Sane people already know not to do those two things.
Pretty much since the start of this site, I’ve been making fun of Hilary Duff because her teeth are, well, big. This is all Hilary’s fault of course as she paid for a bad set of veneers (sometimes the price of vanity can be steep!). According to myself and ‘dentist to the stars’ Dr. Michael Apa, Duff’s $15,000 veneers “made her look goofy, like she was bucktoothed.”:
“The length of each veneer was a little too long, and the width of the smile was too wide,” Apa says of Hil’s smile.
Anyways, the point of this story is that Hilary finally got them fixed:
“She probably had her teeth recontoured or reshaped to fit her smile,” says Apa of Hil’s new work done just a few weeks ago. “Now you look at her cute smile rather than focusing on her large teeth. She looks much prettier!”
Damn, no more jokes about having to “put down” Hilary. I feel cheated because I had a story already prepared about Duff going to the barn to get re-shoed and then stopping by the mall to buy a new leather saddle. Oh well, I guess I’ll save it for the next time Hilary Swank makes the news. In other words, you’ll probably never see it.
My page was down for the past day or so because I’m on the first page of Google if you search Britney Spears Vagina. Traffic was getting so heavy that my other host shut down my site, using terms like “crashing hundreds of other sites” and “making orphans cry.” Anyways, to make a long story short, I moved hosts and I’m now on a server that’s dedicated…dedicated to you that is, *playfully paws at screen* I had a bunch of posts prepared before my site crashed that I’ll be running over the next few days. Throw me a bone and act like they’re new.
Kristen Bell at the 14th Annual Diversity Awards
Ethan Hawke at the 63rd Annual Venice International Film Festival
Lindsay Lohan cussed out a group of girls seated near hear at a posh Los Angeles sushi restaurant after the group tried to make fun of her. The girls convinced the sushi chef to design a special sushi roll shaped like an Oscar statuette - with toothpicks holding it upright on a plate:
Then, attaching a note that read, “Lindsay’s Oscar,” the snarky minxes sent it over to the 20-year-old star - who exploded, sensing they were goofing on her widely-reported comment that she wants an Oscar before she’s 30! Lindsay stormed over to the tormentors’ table, flung down the sushi Oscar, and launched into a long, unprintable non-acceptance speech that began, “Eff YOU…!”
How does Lindsay expect people to react to her retarded comments about winning an Oscar before age 30? That ain’t gonna happen unless The Academy decides to add a category for putting out. Even then, Lindsay wouldn’t be the favorite. My mom’s had that award locked up since the late ’80s.
According to the TMZ, Kevin Federline will be appearing on a special Vegas-themed episode of NBC’s game show “1 vs 100″ airing this Friday. As you could probably tell from the name, the show pits 1 person against 100 others for a chance to win $1 million:
Why the producers thought K-Fed would make a formidable adversary in a game requiring some intelligence is beyond us. But the flopped rapper managed to answer a question about “The Mickey Mouse Club,” in which Britney was a Mouseketeer. Even he couldn’t miss that one.
So TMZ thinks K-Fed couldn’t miss a question about his former wife? Ummm, yes he could. You could ask K-Fed what day his son’s birthday is and he’d probably say June 32nd. And then he’d kinda stand there scratching his head wondering a) what that mountain lion was doing with his son and b) why you were frantically dialing Child Protective Services.
Just a month before Britney announced the divorce, Kevin Federline allegedly began an affair with former porn star Kendra Jade. According to Star Magazine, Federline met the “exotic dancer” and former porn star in Las Vegas around December of 2005 while his wife was visiting her family in Kentwood, and the two stayed in touch:
“Kev and Kendra had sex at their friends’ apartment multiple times, starting in early October,” a source told the tab. “Their friend would phone Kendra and a few other girls to come hang out, and it would always end up with Kevin and Kendra heading off to the spare bedroom!”
Now that K-Fed is a single guy, will he and Jade become a couple? Not likely, says the source, explaining, “They’re just friends who have sex.” When contacted for comment by Star, Jade said only, “I’m in a committed relationship.”
It’s about damn time this news came out. For the past few weeks, I’ve been wondering…”OK they’re getting a divorce now what about the part where K-Fed was banging Britney’s hair stylist”–yet, like the alcoholic mom who left you stranded in the rain after baseball practice, the news never came. Though it’s messed up to be cheating on your pregnant wife with a porn star, we should cut K-Fed some slack. You can’t expect a casanova like him to be satisifed by one woman–or even one sex….I’m just saying, he seems to know a little bit too much about fashion and dancing.
Animal right’s group PETA just named Nicole Richie the world’s worst-dressed celebrity:
“This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones,” notes the animal rights group. “She’s an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match.”
Jesus Christ that is cold. Thank God PETA didn’t find out about my blanket made of purebred golden retrievers. It’s so soft and warm!
Coming in second to Richie was Ashley Olsen:
“Wearing fur does add 20 pounds,” PETA says, “but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead.”
What the fuck? When did PETA get funny? They’re supposed to be throwing paint on fur coats and taking a lackadaisical attitude towards personal hygiene, not making me chuckle while I drink my morning coffee. And how exactly does making fun of celebrities with eating disorders work into their whole ’saving animals’ mission? It’s almost like PETA is trying to steal my job.
Rounding out the top 3 was Eva Longoria:
Opines PETA: “You’d think she’d be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane.”
Oy vey with the PETA joking! Maybe I should give up writing real celebrity stories and just start posting PETA press releases. Here goes:
Community Should Fear for Public Safety, Say Experts
For Immediate Release:
November 16, 2006Contact:
Dan Paden 757-622-7382Millville, N.J. — Today, PETA sent an urgent plea to Cumberland County Prosecutor Ronald J. Casella urging his office to vigorously prosecute Andrew Lopez of Millville. Lopez faces charges stemming from a November 1 incident in which he allegedly deliberately ran over at least 11 seagulls with his car in a Cumberland Mall parking lot. News sources state that seven of the animals were killed-left with broken necks and shattered wings-after they were struck and that four others were critically injured.
On second thought, maybe I won’t do that…
