Archive: October, 2006

As many of you may be aware of, today marks the release of Kevin Federline debut CD “Playing with Fire.” The New York Daily News characterizes Federline’s debut effort as consisting entirely of songs “about what life is like when you’re badgered, judged and, let’s face it, fetishized by a slobbering media.” Another guy–me–characterizes it as the “aural equivalent to papercuts all over your body”:

“A lot of people can relate to this,” insists Federline (who prefers to be known as K-Fed). “It’s what they’re all watching. And it’s what’s happening to me.” The question is: Will they want to listen to a whole CD about it? Major labels thought not. When Federline trucked his album, “Playing With Fire,” around to the big record companies, he received only raised eyebrows and embarrassed shrugs. So he’s releasing it independently, with the corporation behind his wife, Sony/BMG, providing the distribution.

“[The labels] didn’t know what would happen,” he says. “They saw the viciousness and they were afraid to embrace it.”

Yes Kevin, keep telling yourself that Sony BMG didn’t pick up your album because they were afraid to “embrace” the “viciousness” of it. And I’ll keep telling myself that I didn’t get picked for the basketball team because they other players couldn’t deal with deadly accurate jump shot and suffocating defense. Go Team Delusional!

Note: The prize for this Friday’s caption contest will be–you guessed it–a copy of K-Fed’s CD. Check back Friday morning for THE CONTEST OF THE CENTURY

While in Amsterdam shooting Ocean’s Thirteen, Brad Pitt ran into a group of drunk Dutchmen that threatened to kill him because of his nationality:

“I get a bike wherever I go and I went for a midnight ride around Amsterdam. There were some guys coming out of a bar having a good time. I said, ‘Excuse me,’ and swerved out of the way and they started screaming, ‘You f**king American. We’ll f**king kill you.’ “I’d never come face to face with that before - that turn in the way we are perceived in other countries.”

A normal American would come away from this story with a slight sense of apprehension or concern. I mean, it’s a little scary to think that we can’t travel to open countries such as Amsterdam without being threatened with bodily harm. However, I’m not a normal American and frankly couldn’t give a shit about those things. What interests me about this story is this suspicious “midnight bike ride” that Brad apparently went on. Now I’m no Carmen San Diego, but isn’t Amsterdam the whorehouse capital of the free-world? Going for a “midnight bike ride” might be lamest cover story ever, especially with a man with eyes as dreamy as Brad Pitt’s. It’s like claiming you went to Vermont for the weather when everyone really knows you were there to buy delicious maple syrup.

Splash News

Madonna is already spending thousands on her newly adopted son David. The singer called trendy Los Angeles baby store Petit Tresor at the beginning of the week and ordered the best cashmere winter clothes co-owner Nina Takesh had, from designers like CV and Larucci.

Takesh reveals, “She wanted very high-end, luxury winter products and items; very subtle European classic designs made of the finest materials and fabrics. … It’s the luxury of all luxuries.” In total, Madonna spent almost $10,000 on baby clothes at Petit Tresor. Takesh adds, “A lot of money was spent on just absolutely beautiful items, close to $10,000.”

I still don’t trust Madonna with this whole adoption thing. Bringing another kid into her house just seems like a total ripoff of The Real World on MTV. Like next week she’ll adopt some gay baby from the inner city and a frat baby from some huge University. When everyone starts questioning Madonna’s motives, she’ll explain that she just wanted to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real. And then in about 20 years we’ll see her and Angelina Jolie’s horde of adoptees on some random Central American beach battling each other for Best Buy gift cards. Don’t give me that look…like you haven’t thought of this before?

British soccer star David Beckham is reportedly set to become “Sir David Beckham.” Beckham, who already is the proud owner of an Order of the British Empire, faces a prestigious knighthood in honor of his services to soccer and his community work:

An insider tells British newspaper Daily Star, “The Beckhams are already showbiz royalty and now they look set to move a step closer to the real thing. It is widely believed Tony Blair will put David forward for a knighthood in the New Year list. He was a fantastic skipper and player for England and there’s every chance he’ll be back. He’s also done a tremendous amount for children and the community.”

Great Britain may think they’re cool because they have knights, but do they have slip’n’slides and 24-hour restaurants that serve both chicken and waffles? I didn’t think so. And I can almost guarantee you they don’t have barber shops with witty names like “Cut above the Rest” and “Shear Pleasure.” Being knighted isn’t even that cool anymore after that Carrot Top debacle. That’s SIR Carrot Top to you, thank you very much.

Whitney Houston showed up to the 17th Annual Carousel Of Hope Ball over the weekend looking decidedly….normal. Either she’s now buying her concealor in bulk or maybe separating from Bobby Brown really was the best thing for her. My guess is it’s the latter with just a dash of the bulk concealor thrown in. I haven’t seen a transformation this shocking since that Mormon kid down the street threw that raging kegger last summer.

Wow, Hulk Hogan has lost some weight, though he still has that intimidating jawline.

Can you beat my caption?

Winner, decided by me and posted Tuesday night (10/31), to receive $10 Amazon.com gift code (will be emailed).

Winner (10/31): Congratulations to this week’s winner rick:

The last thing you see before a rolling crucifix armbar causes you to ejaculate and bleed at the same time

Check back this Friday for new contest.

As her Bahamas residency is being challenged, Anna Nicole Smith is considering returning to the Unites States. Fair enough. What makes this story fucked up is that Anna’s considering exhuming her son Daniel’s body and taking it with her:

“She waited as long as she did to bury him [39 days after her son died] because she was trying to figure out if she could get his body into the U.S.,” says a source. “Now that she might get booted out, the word is she’s going to take her son’s body with her.”

Will Anna get some sort of ribbon or certificate of achievement for this? After all, digging up your son’s body just weeks after he was buried has to be some sort of record. Trust me on this one, I watch Law & Order and CSI all the time. Bodies are only exhumed when curious reporters start asking question and poking their damn noses in places they shouldn’t. So listen to me you “so-called” investigative journalist. My brother died from a heart attack and not rat poison in his coffee. Take your damn hat with that fancy “Press” card sticking out of it and let me spend the insurance money in peace.

Kevin Federline’s rap career is already a rip-roaring success:

SHOCKINGLY enough, no one in New York wants to hear Kevin Federline rap. Our spies at Webster Hall say that so few $20 tickets have been sold for Federline’s Nov. 4 show that “we may just cancel it. New Yorkers are clearly not fans of ‘Popozao‘ [Federline’s pathetic first single].” Britney Spears’ hubby - who claims he is the most underrated person in Hollywood - should be used to rejection by now. We hear his Cleveland show was also canceled due to lack of interest.

Well this is pretty much what everyone expected, right? Who’s gonna pay $20 to see what amounts to a glorified karaoke performance by a guy who’d probably be working at a Jiffy Lube if he hadn’t gotten his hooks into the Britney Spears’ gravy train. I’d rather go to the zoo and jump in the bear’s pit wearing pants made of meat. Or taunt stingrays.

+ Christina Aguilera dresses up early [Bastardly]
+ Sheryl Crow is yoked [CityRag]
+ Pink is so classy [popbytes]
+ Roundup on those who’ve penetrated Lohan [Bricks and Stones]

+ Read this and talk about horror films intelligently [Pajiba]
+ Oprah gives away stuff [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
+ Bare ass Owen Wilson (nsfw) [Cele|bitchy]
+ YOU CANNOT STOP SAW III [Bumpshack]

+ U2 and Green Day make music together [Wampoon]
+ What a deadly scarf [I’m Not Obsessed]
+ Posh already causing problems with TomKat wedding [Dlisted]
+ Highly doubt Alba is having sex in the water [Egotastic!]

Remember last week when I posted that story about Ryan Phillipe “wishing he wasn’t married” because he was using guy-code-speak to tell us he was banging his groupies? And you thought I was kidding? Well guess what, today I officially gained the title of “prescient badass” because Phillippe and Witherspoon announced their separation:

“We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate,” the couple’s rep said in a statement released to TMZ on Monday. “They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time. Sources tell TMZ that Witherspoon has contacted celebrity divorce lawyer Robert Kaufman. The couple of seven years have two children, Ava, 7, and Deacon, 3. No one specific event is said to have triggered the split. A source tells TMZ that the decision to separate was “cumulative.” The couple have admitted to attending marriage counseling in the past. Divorce papers have not yet been filed.

Miss Cleo ain’t got nothing on me–besides around 300 pounds and bulbous cankles. Honestly, though, let’s quit with the fat jokes for today. I don’t want to distract from the celebration of my greatness. Is 25 too young to be pictured on a stamp?

Bonus: You can’t really tell there’s a separation looming from these pictures of Reese and Ryan at the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. They just look so damn happy together. Young love!