Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson will soon be opening up her own chain of barbecue restaurants called 'Daisy Duke's':
The 'Dukes of Hazzard' star will provide backing for the restaurants - which will feature scantily-clad waitresses in tiny hot pants � named after her most famous screen character from the film remake of the hit TV show. The business plan was thought up by Jessica's father and manager, Joe Simpson, 48. A source told America's Life and Style Weekly magazine: "Joe's going to make a lot of money from this." The flagship eatery will open in Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace next year, and Jessica will reportedly commit to make at least five appearances at the venue each year.
Joe Simpson has every right to be confident that he's going to make tons of money from this venture. If there's one thing I learned during my week at business school, it's this: theme restaurants are a surefire way to unbelievable riches--especially those run by Hollywood stars who treat the business as a hobby. Just look at Planet Hollywood. Granted the celebrity-backed chain wasn't run by the extraordinary entrepreneurial force that is Jessica and Joe Simpson, but it was extremely popular nonetheless; apparently, the restaurant broke so many fire code violations due to overcrowding, they were forced by overzealous fire marshals to shut down and declare bankruptcy. Such is the price of success.
[WENN]
Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton
Lindsay Lohan is using Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos in a nefarious plot to win back her ex, Hard Rock Cafe heir Harry Morton, and piss off noted whore Paris Hilton:
The devious redhead was overheard calling Hilton's ex-love Stavros Niarchos on Saturday to ask for help in getting her revenge. According to our earwitness, Lohan told Niarchos, "No one can know I got dumped . . . You will look like a total stud, and it will drive Paris crazy [if we hang out together]."Niarchos, who fooled around with Hilton just last week, was amenable to the plan. And so the pair appeared Sunday at Dragonfly in L.A. "where they held hands and made out all night and then drove in separate cars back to [Lohan's] suite at the Chateau."
While other girls get over breakups by eating a pint of Häagen-Dazs and watching a Sex in the City marathon, Lindsay Lohan does it another way: she fucks billionaires. Do you think she'll make an exception for me? I don't stand to inherit a billion dollars but I do have this neat paperweight. It's silver and *really* shiny.
[WENN]
Kevin Federline
Sadly, K-Fed won't be including his infamous single "PopoZao" on his debut CD:
The aspiring rapper's debut CD "Playing With Fire" hits shelves on Halloween, but his much-derided ode to ladies' derrieres, "PopoZao," reportedly won't make the cut. It's being replaced, reports WENN, by a duet with Britney Spears called "Crazy.""PopoZao" debuted on the Internet in January — sample lyric: "Toy all your thing on me, baby" — and Billboard magazine dubbed the tune a "monument to mediocrity." Even a rapper who claimed that he wrote many of Federline's lyrics, when asked about "PopoZao," told the New York Daily News: "I didn't have nothing to do with that, dog."
PopoZao is the type of song that comes a long once in a generation—it's basically the musical equivalent to video of the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. As much as you wanted to turn away and avoid it, you couldn't help but pay attention and possible shed a few tears. For K-Fed to so callously rip that song off the album shows how little he cares about tsunami victims. Wait…what?….I think I may have mixed up that analogy. Either way, that still doesn't explain why K-Fed hates victims of natural disasters. Asshole.
[WENN]
Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers is just plain mean spirited:
Joan Rivers' mouth never stops. At her show at the Cutting Room the other night, she took on Angelina Jolie ("She can catch fish in her big lower lip"), Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's baby ("She's obviously Asian and wears a wig") and Michael Jackson ("I would've forced my grandson to let Michael pet him to get the $36 million that all the other kids got"). There was an audible gasp when she speculated on Anderson Cooper's sex life, with a handful of patrons groaning, "Awwww!"
Joan Rivers making fun of celebrities' appearances is like Tom Cruise making fun of a llama wearing a top hat. Sure the llama may be a little crazy, but at least his religion doesn't involve spaceships, volcanoes, and nuclear bombs. Sure Angelina Jolie may have a novelty-sized lower lip, but at least her face doesn't look like an orange that was left out in the sun for two weeks. And was then stepped on by a crazy llama wearing a top hat. What an eerie coincidence. Hold me.
[WENN]
Mandy Moore
Mandy Moore should be a little more careful the next time she wears a jacket like that when flying from New York to Los Angeles. This isn't 1995 and she isn't MC Hammer. Pretty much the only people wearing things like that nowadays are terrorists that say things like "I love USA rock 'n' roll Bruce Springsteen. I fit in. Yeah apple pie."
Now that I think about it, wasn't MC Hammer coincidently absent from the World Trade Center on 9/11/01? Hmmmmm.... And why didn't he come out with a statement condemning the London Underground attacks of a year ago? I'm just throwing it out there folks. I'm not trying to accuse him of being a terrorist so please don't infer that, I'm just saying Mandy Moore needs to be more careful. Especially around confirmed without-a-doubt terrorists like MC Hammer.
Jessica Biel
Conventional wisdom says that straight Jessica Biel is kissing her straight friend goodbye, perhaps after a spirited game of polo on the grounds of Jessica's estate. Of course I have a much different idea of what's actually occurring. Let's just say if you were to guess it involves the words "lesbian" and "sex fantasy," you wouldn't be too far off (OK it also involves the word "mayonnaise" but I didn't really want you guys to know about that part).
David Hasselhoff, Pamela Bach, and family
According to TMZ, David Hasselhoff's daughter tried to commit suicide Sunday night:
It happened in the San Fernando Valley, a suburb of Los Angeles, at around 6:30 p.m. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ David called 911 from his home and reported that his 14-year-old daughter had "cut herself."' We're told the LAPD responded and 14-year-old Hayley Hasselhoff was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Her condition is not being disclosed. The Mental Evaluation Unit of LAPD is now handling the case.
Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach said that the incident was blown out of proportion and, basically, David's a huge fucking idiot, and possibly a crazy douchebag, albeit with great hair:
Bach, told Entertainment Tonight that Haley "got a scratch from a cat," and that "The Hoff" overreacted to the injury. "David called and I told him about the scratch. He said he was going to call the ambulance. I said 'David, what are you doing?' The next thing I know David called the ambulance. I am floored. Shocked. Last night was so bizarre. I don't know why David did this," Bach is quoted by Entertainment Tonight's website as saying.
Hmmmm�.....don't know who to believe on this one. Since Pamela's never been a TV lifeguard nor owned a pretty kick-ass talking car, I'm gonna go ahead and take The Hoff's side on this one. That's what KITT would have wanted.
[WENN]
Aaron Carter and Kari Ann Peniche
I've had bowel movements that lasted longer than Aaron Carter's engagement to Kari Ann Peniche:
Aaron Carter has called off his engagement to actress Kari Ann Peniche, 22, after just one week, the singer confirms to Us Weekly. "I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do and I am not ready for marriage quite yet," Carter, 18, tells the magazine exclusively.A source close to the star of the upcoming E! reality series House of Carters says, "They are just going to be friends now. She still wants to keep dating him but Aaron is not quite sure. He was trying to appease her but came to his senses and realized it was the wrong thing to do." Us also broke the news last week that Carter proposed to Peniche, an ex-girlfriend of his older brother, Backstreet Boys singer Nick Carter, onstage in Las Vegas on September 16.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the "moment" that Aaron "got caught up in" probably involved his penis, a naked Kari Ann Peniche, and about 15 wine coolers. Aaron probably woke up the next morning with a splitting headache, and, right after swearing off "Fuzzy Navels" for the rest of his life, broke the news to Kari. Young love can be so fickle.
[WENN]
Tyra Banks
Really, who wouldn't want to attend a taping of the Tyra Banks show in your underwear?:
Tyra is looking for a SPECIAL audience for this one!! For an upcoming episode of the show, the producers are requesting only people comfortable sitting in just their UNDERWEAR sign up to be in this taping's audience.Big, small, short, tall, as long as you dont mind stripping down to your skivies Tyra wants you there. Acceptable dress is bra and panties, boxers and a tanktop, or slips; but NO PAJAMAS this is an UNDERWEAR show.
Plan on arriving fully dressed and stripping down on set DURING THE SHOW!!! If you're a show-off this is your chance to shine.
Strange there is no mention about their erection policy. Will they kick me out? Will they call the cops? Because that would be pretty unfair. Church is one thing--and I could totally see why Reverend Miller was offended--but we're talking about the Tyra Banks underwear show here.
You know what else would draw in viewers besides this underwear stunt? Actually producing a show that doesn't make me throw my margarita at the TV. And beat my dog. But don't tell anybody. It'll be our little secret (my boss would kill me if he knew I was drinking margaritas before work).
[WENN]
Madonna
As her record-breaking "Confessions" tour wrapped in Tokyo on Thursday, Madonna attempted to clear up "misinterpretations" of her stage show's mock crucifixion scene, saying it was meant to send a message of unity that Jesus would appreciate:
"I wanted to explain it myself once and for all," the singer said in a statement about her decision to perform "Live to Tell" while suspended on a giant cross, Reuters reports. "It is no different than a person wearing a cross or 'taking up the cross,' as it says in the Bible.y performance is neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous. Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole."
She added, "I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing."
adonna is dead right on this one, as much as I hate to admit it. If anything encourages mankind to help one another and see the world as a unified whole, it's charging people $125.50 to see you dress up like a crucified Jesus and sing about getting drunk at the club. There's really no difference between that and someone wearing a cross and going to church on Sunday, as Madonna explained so eloquently. It's all about glorifying the man himself. If you find Madonna's actions offensive, hey, that's your fault. I have it on good authority that Jesus and his disciples were notorious club-hoppers (you have to get the unabridged version of the King James Bible to read that part—there's one chapter that, swear to God, reads like an episode of Entourage set on the streets of Jerusalem).
This whole story kind of reminds me of my shrine to Allah that I lit on fire for the Fourth of July. Hey I'm just trying to glorify Allah via fire and gasoline. It's your fault you're offended…… put down the rock……what the hell does Allahu Akbar mean?……shit
[WENN]
