Heather Locklear to Star in New Reality Spinoff "Dancing with the Whores"
Can you beat my caption?
Winner, decided by me and posted Monday night (8/28), to receive $10 Amazon.com gift code (will be emailed).
Winner (8/28): Congratulations to this week’s winner Randi:
Even Heather’s skirt doesn’t want to be seen with her.
Check back next Friday for new contest.
Sean Preston Federline
Britney plans to bring her son Sean Preston on her comeback tour.
The singer, who is expecting her second child next month, admits she can't bear to be away from him any longer after being locked away in the studio recording her new album.She says: "I think it will be good to have a sibling there with Sean Preston on tour. I've been going to the studio lately, and we've been trying out different nannies. It's hard to leave Sean Preston... I'm so torn right now."
I can't blame Britney. There wouldn't be much of a difference between leaving Sean Preston with Kevin Federline or a pack of wild baboons. Either way she'd come home to a house with feces smeared on the wall and a family of raccoons living in the guest bedroom. At least the baboons would pick the fleas and ticks off Sean Preston and give him the occasional bath. It'd probably be with their tongue but, hey, it's all about the effort.
[WENN]
Burt Reynolds
Is it possible for a human-being's skin to turn into leather because Burt's chest looks like it would make a fine handbag. It's almost like him and Hulk Hogan had a contest to see who could stay out in the sun the longest and they both won.
[Splash News]
Brittany Murphy and Joe Macaluso
Brittany Murphy and Joe Macaluso are calling their marriage off.
The two "have amicably ended their engagement. They remain close friends and wish each other much happiness," a rep for Murphy tells PEOPLE.Murphy, 28, who had met Macaluso - who is a best boy grip responsible for lighting and electricity on a movie set - while filming Little Black Book. After that film wrapped production, she asked him to the movies for their first date.
The couple went on 17 dates before they shared their first kiss. They became engaged on Dec. 31, 2005.
17 dates until he had the balls to kiss her? I guess on that 16th date he was thinking, "Hey maybe Brittany is actually into me and I should try to kiss her?.......nah........I'll give it a 17th date." When I take a woman to dinner if I don't at least see a breast/nipple by the end of the appetizer, I start to get a little antsy. By dessert I'm usually hearing things like "public nudity" and "call the police" whispered between the waiters.
Maybe Joe just didn't want to marry a deaf chick.
[WENN]
Jessica Biel
A Denver oil executive paid $30,000 for the privilege of having lunch with Jessica Biel:
DENVER, Colorado (AP) -- A man who bid $30,000 to have lunch with Jessica Biel, Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive," sealed the deal Friday. The man, identified only as John, was dressed in a white suit with a blue shirt and striped tie when he had lunch with the actress at Denver's Palm restaurant, said Jeanne Lee, a Denver-based publicist. Biel, a star on television's "7th heaven," and the film "Elizabethtown," agreed to have lunch with the highest bidder as part of a fund raiser for Molly Bloom, an 18-year-old woman who lost a leg in a May 13 accident. The charity event dubbed "Mollypalooza" raised $44,000 to help cover Bloom's medical expenses. Though wishing to remain anonymous, "John" told reporters earlier he's a senior vice president for an oil and gas company in Denver.
This is bullshit! I sent Jessica a very romantic item via UPS and all I got was a restraining order. Sometimes life just isn't fair. And don't even try to tell me a cow's heart with a yellow ribbon around it isn't romantic because, if there's one thing I know in life, it's how to be romantic. Actually that's not entirely true. I do know more than any straight male should about bedding and nonstick cookware (aim for a high thread count and sleep like you've never slept before; use calphalon and gaze on in astonishment as your simmering alfredo sauce simply won't stick).
*Note-these are not pictures from the actual lunch. I just wanted to give you a good idea of what Jessica Biel looks like when she eats a sandwich.
[WENN]
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
Will we ever see another shot of Katie Holmes without Tom Cruise lurking nearby? First-graders learning how to swim are less supervised than Katie. High-Schoolers taking a tour of the local prison have more freedom. Even kidnapping victims are allowed the occasio moment to themselves. But Katie? Can’t even take a piss.
[Splash News]
Kevin Federline
Kevin Federline's lack of understanding about cursing on national television has inspired me to pen a haiku! I present K-Fed Haiku:
The Teen Choice Awards?
K-Fed cusses like sailor!
Censors Say "Fuck You"
[WENN]
Matt Lauer
For all this talk about Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds taking steroids, someone should seriously look into Matt Lauer. For being 38, he is seriously ripped. I must admit I’ve had my suspicions about him for over a year now. After Lauer hit 64 Home Runs last year for the Florida Marlins, I just knew he had to be using performance enhancing drugs. I mean, guys past 35 rarely hit more than 50 homeruns a year. Let’s just hope this picture doesn’t tarnish his legacy.
Update (8/22) A kind reader informed me that Matt is not 38 but 48. Now I'm convinced he's just wearing one of those fake muscle t-shirts.
[Splash News]
Kevin Federline
K-Fed's "performance" last night at the Teen Choice Awards went off without a hitch, unless you count that large portions of his song "Lose Control" were censored due to curse words:
Aspiring rapper Kevin Federline made his much-anticipated debut at last night's Teen Choice Awards, but his performance was as notable for what you couldn't hear as for what you could.K-Fed's rhymes were apparently a little too racy for the tender-aged audience, as significant portions of the rapper's act were bleeped out by Fox censors. But at least he got off to the right start: His wife Britney Spears, a Teen Choice mainstay, was nice enough to introduce him to the world, despite her very gravid state.
Audience response to Federline ranged from "He kinda sucks" to "Holy Fucking Christ My ears are bleeding. MAKE IT STOP!" It was roughly the same response I received during my first piano recital when I was 11 (fuck you grandpa!).
After viewing K-Fed's performance, I can't help but wonder if it's possible to get dropped from your own record label.
[WENN]
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson's digital camera was stolen recently and *shock* there may be some dirty pictures on it:
Just before her wedding to KID ROCK, PAM ANDERSON discovered her digital camera was missing - and freaked! Admitting to pals that the hard drive's packed with some very risque scenes, the buxom blonde bombshell - who entertained millions on the Web with that sizzling, bare-all home video she made with shudder-bug co-star TOMMY LEE -- tore her house apart in a desperate search for the camera, but it hasn't turned up... and now she's horrified at the thought that it might have been lost or stolen during her prenuptial Saint Tropez yacht vacation with The Kid! Oo-la-la! (Keep your eyes on the Internet, folks.)
Pamela Anderson being worried about a few risque sex photos is a little like Charles Manson being worried that people find his personality a little too abrasive. Unless Pam's doing something really weird--something involving orphaned blind kids and ceiling fans comes to mind--I don't think anyone will be too shocked. Co-Starring in a sex video with Tommy Lee where he steered a boat with his penis pretty much sealed her fate.
There seems to be a natural progression with Hollywood stars and digital cameras: Buy Camera-->Engage in Lewd Sex Act-->Take Pictures-->Lose Camera-->Issue Press Release. Let's just hope Star Jones is still using polaroids. Or just not taking pictures at all.
[WENN]
