Archive: August, 2006

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Lance Bass is so relieved the rest of the world knows he prefers penis:

FORMER N*Sync star Lance Bass says that coming out of the closet has worked wonders for his career. The pop star-turned-movie-producer announced he was gay earlier in the summer, ending months of speculation. He is now dating US reality TV star Reichan Lehmkuhl.

He says: “I’m totally happy, like a different person. It sucks with all the lies you have to tell, especially in the business. Now it’s like, ‘Wow, I don’t have to tell any lies to get jobs, so it’s cool.’ Personally, nothing has changed. I have the same friends, the same family. Everybody’s been very supportive.” Lance reckons the hardest part of coming out was telling his own Mum. He admits: “She was a little shocked.”

Though confirming his homosexuality may have done wonders for Lance’s career, other closeted stars are doing just fine, thank you. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and Johnny Depp still haven’t come out of the closet and they’re getting great roles. Even Colin Farrell is getting thrown the occasional cameo (now I don’t know if Colin is actually gay but I did see him at a bar one time with an umbrella in his drink).

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Gwen Stefani is pissed at MTV for being slighted at last year’s Video Music Awards.

The “No Doubt” cutie is said to be “boycotting” tomorrow’s show because of the shoddy treatment she got last year. “She had a ton of nominations and was under the impression she would be taking home at least one award,” our insider said. “But every award, except that lame best-dressed award, went to Kelly Clarkson, and every time Kelly won, the camera went straight to Gwen. She felt set up.” Stefani also thought she was going to close the show - another honor that went to Clarkson. Stefani’s rep declined comment.

Why is Gwen throwing away a surefire chance at a Video Music Award? She’s the clear frontrunner in the “Shoulders that Most Resemble an NFL player” category. Aren’t the Patriots a little thin at linebacker right now? Winning a Super Bowl ring would do wonders for Gwen’s career.

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Judging by the photos of her leaving Il Sole Restaurant in Hollywood, Kirsten Dunst has finally realized that most people are more comfortable staring at the sun than her face. Either that or she’s finally been exposed as a child-molesting serial killer. Because that’s about the only time you see people try to hide their face when their picture is being taken.

About the only time Kirsten Dunst looks good in movies is when her part is being played by Vanessa Minnillo

• Jessica Simpson looks like a fucked up Disney character [The Skinny Website]
• Even Laguna Beach has ugly people [Pink is the New Blog]
• John Travolta *bursts* out of the closet [POPSUGAR]
• I think my grandma has the same dress [Bastardly]
• My monitor’s resolution isn’t wide enough [Dlisted]
• This is the kind of shit you see on sitcoms [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
• Uh. . .I guess this qualifies as a nip slip [Hollywoodtuna]

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is being forced to watch the South Park movie by US Marines.

The deposed leader on trial in Iraq was featured in the movie spin-off as the lover of the devil. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut featured Hussein and Satan attempting to take over the world together.

Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone said US Marines guarding the former dictator during his trial for genocide were making him watch the movie “repeatedly”. “I have it on pretty good information from the Marines on detail in Iraq that they showed him the movie last year. That’s really adding insult to injury. I bet that made him really happy,” Stone said.

Watching the South Park is way too light a punishment. The only suitable punishment for Saddam involves a locked room and continuous loop of The Simple Life seasons 1-5. And maybe a tub of popcorn without enough butter (I hate that!).

Satan and Saddam after the jump…

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On the heels of her new album release, Jessica Simpson has lost her voice.

Jessica Simpson has been struck dumb after developing ‘throat trouble’. The singer, who is preparing to launch her new album, has been forced to cancel a string of promotional appearances and chat show slots after losing her voice.

Her throat trouble is so severe she has been told that even talking could result in permanent damage to her voice. The worried star is seeking help from a voice coach and has resorted to carrying a notepad and pen to communicate with friends and family.

Jessica has to write notes to communicate? Jessica Simpson and writing go together about as well as and Star Jones and eating in moderation. True Story*: I was at a Jessica Simpson concert a few years ago and was lucky enough to get her autograph. The odd part was she spelled her last name with the number 7 and a picture of the sun. When I pointed this out to her, she wet herself and began mumbling something about wanting her crayons.

How great would it be if Jessica’s notepad found its way onto eBay? I’m sure the scribbles would resemble a slightly less advanced version of ancient Indian cave drawings.

*True story absolutely not true

Michael Jackson’s persistent childhood pestering of Janet Jackson have turned her into a weight freak.

SINGER Janet Jackson has told how she became obsessed with her figure because of “brutal” taunts from brother Michael. Her weight yo-yoed because he called her names such as “Fat Butt”. But she forgave him, saying the jibes were due to “issues” with his own body.

Janet, 40, tells Q magazine: “I was always made to feel I was a fat kid by Michael. “He’d call me brutal names . . . it really affected me, even as an adult.”

Janet, Janet, Janet, this is almost too easy a comeback. Of course, I’m brilliant and you’re mainly known as that chick who showed her “deflated-tire” boob at the Super Bowl a few years back. Anyways, here are your two responses to Michael the next time he calls you fat:

1. “Dude, you’re a FUCKING child molester. I may have big hips but at least I don’t FUCK kids!”

2. “I’m rubber…..you’re glue….YOU FUCK KIDS!”

That pretty much trumps anything he could ever say. You’re welcome.

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Imagine stepping off the subway on your way to work and being greeted by a naked and pregnant (HEAVILY airbrushed) Britney Spears. A little piece of you would die every time your eye caught site of the fleshy mass. Welcome to Tokyo.
In totally unrelated news, Japan notices increase in seppuku incidents in and around subways.

A little advice to Americans: you can only push a polite society so far before they start sabotaging the brake-lines of the cars they ship you

More horrific images of Britney after the jump…

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Farrah Fawcett joined Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith (the 3 original Charlie’s Angels) at last night’s Emmys to pay their respects to the late Aaron Spelling.

Farrah Fawcett back on network television? This calls for a Haiku!:

The Emmy Awards?

Farrah Fawcett Gives Tribute

Vicodin all gone!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is convinced she talked to her dead grandmother during a séance held by a spirit guide.

The Hollywood babe is convinced there is an afterlife after an on-set psychic contacted her dead grandmother during a seance. The actress has been getting to grips with the supernatural during the filming of hit US TV show Ghost Whisperer. The show is based on the lives of spirit guide James Van Praagh and medium Mary Ann Winkowski, who have introduced Jennifer to the spirit world.

She said: “We had an evening with James where he did this thing and my grandmother came through.” Jen added: “She just wanted to say hello and tell me that she was looking out for me. It was really nice.”

All Jennifer needs now is 63 cats and an irrational fear of watermelons and she can be officially certified as crazy!

If her grandmother was really looking out for her, she would have told Jennifer to pose for Playboy before her ass exploded into a Jennifer Lopez-like monstrosity (*wipes away tear remembering the tanning-bed scene from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer*).

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s monstrous new ass after the jump (don’t worry; I’ve thrown in some pics from the tanning-bed scene as well)…

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